A Phrase Best Avoided

In the following situations:

• At a funeral
• Saying farewell to someone you had a one night stand with

Don't use this phrase:

• Hooroo.

A Fat By Any Other Name

I think morbid obesity would be more appealing if it was referred to as "grand obesity".

Dear Checkout Chick

Why are you flirting with him?

I'm right here. Do you not see me?

Are you trying to make me jealous or something?

Yeah, I bet that's it.

Well it won't work. I'm done with you.

I'll find a new checkout chick. One that won't break my heart. Not that you did anyway, bitch.

Jelly Phase Again

Yep, jellying stuff again.

Stuff I've jellied today:

• Fruit
• 2020 suggestions
• Smaller jelly
• A man
• Elephant man
• Jesus (but not the Mary Chain)

It Bites

When you see a bite on your leg, you know it's a snake bit and a serious affair when you see the 2 fang marks.

But what if one of the snake's fangs fell out during its life and there is only one entry point?

You might die and they might assume it's a snake-spider hybrid and it would get on to the news and it would be a big mess. But you'd be dead so maybe not so bad.

The Upside of Loneliness

Sometimes I'm glad I don't have a girlfriend. Especially when I need to take a shit.

I can just go and no one judges me. There's no embarrassment or whinges to friends.

"Hey, Melissa, how are things with you and Jobe?"
"Oh yeah, really good. But he took a shit the other day, so I don't know if I want to be with him anymore."
"He took a shit? That's bad. Dump his arse!"
"He took 15 minutes in there too..."
"15 minute shit? He might be cheating on you."
*cries*
"Don't worry babe. You're better than him. He's just an arsehole."


It's so much better with one night stands. If you feel like taking a dump you just take it on her chest and if she doesn't like it then you leave and never see her again. If she likes it you nutt on her face and leave.

If I did that to a girlfriend I'd never me able to look at her again. I'd just see my shit all over her.