Do The Write Thing

Lately I've been able to write so many jokes. It's too easy.

I've got material coming out of my arse.

I need to stop going to sowing shows when I'm hungry. <-- unrelated to newfound humour surplus

Don't Get It Twisted

So one of the Veronicas is back on the menu.

That's alright.

There's nothing really that good about them, apart from the appeal of possibly killing someone while having sex with them because they're so tiny and fragile. It's like fucking a Faberge egg or something.

Why Don't Jew Find This Funny?

Sometimes I wish I was a comedian in Nazi Germany. I think I would have been a lot funnier doing material for Nazis.

Like, before I went on stage I would put some dust on my jacket. And my first joke would be “whoa, I wonder how this dust got on my jacket? I must have leaned against a dirty Pole!”

And it would have gone like that for another 5 minutes or so. But I won’t bore you with the rest of that material. You’re not the target market.

But trust me. It would have killed in 1940.

Then again, so did everything else. It was a horrible time.

The Trouble With Emissions Trading

The problem with this idea of emissions trading is that it's not fair and balanced.

I think back to my formative primary school years. When trading basketball cards and all of that sort of crap, there was always one kid who would get ripped off in the deal. Usually me, but that's not the point.

No trade was even. Someone was always the fool that traded the Larry Bird Upperdeck Hologram card for whole Detroit Pistons team in Fleer 93.

And that, teacher, is why I disagree with emissions trading.

Keeping Busy

My hobby at the moment is perpetuating stereotypes.

So as a morbidly obese guy I just go around eating everything in sight. Including small people and furniture.

Actually, I just eat a lot. The rest was all made up. I'm not consciously doing anything.

I'm just so alone.

A Matter of Taste

Why is it that the people that say "oh, I listen to any music. Whatever is good!" only ever like pop and/or pop rock?

It just gets me so angry sometimes.

Cute Love Story

I get a lot of emails telling me that people like my tales of love and romance, but they are often derogatory towards women or unnecessarily violent or fucked up in some way. So I thought I'd take this opportunity to tell you a different kind of love story. It's a story that happened to me a few years ago, and it's very cute.

So this chick that I was fucking around with came over one day. I opened the door and she went straight in for a kiss.

"Mmm, you taste like bread," she howled.
"Yeah, I've just eaten some bread," I grumbled seductively.
"Cool, I really like bread."
"I thought so. Because you commented on it and picked the taste and everything..."

We looked at each other romantically and laughed and the absurdity of our conversation.

"So do you want to go upstairs and screw?" I asked.
"Well I didn't come here to eat fucken bread, did I?"

I often find myself thinking back to that day. She was so sweet and funny. It was just a perfect day. She wasn't there to eat bread, it was so true. My text had asked her if she wanted to come over and eat something else entirely.