Sweet Story

So there was this girl that I knew and we hung out a lot because we really enjoyed each other's company. But it was never really romantic because, I dunno, I guess we just didn't see each other in that way.

Then one day we thought "what the hell, let's mess around with each other and see how that goes."

This worried me, because I knew I'd fall for her even though I didn't want to. I just do that. So I got a small piece of cardboard and wrote on it... "Remember: You don't want this". I put the card in a drawer and covered it with some socks.

Eventually we fooled around with each other more and more, until I had well and truly fallen for her. She had fallen for me. It sounded good. But I made sure I looked at the card every night.

Until one night I was looking at the card, I took out a pen and scratched out "don't". And then I picked up my phone and called her and told her, for the first time since this had started, how I really felt about her.


So, yeah, this the story I'm working on for my adult learning class on romance writing. I'm pretty happy with it; it's pretty romantic.

I mean, they get together and it all fails miserably, but it's a sweet story to begin with, that's for sure.

And the messy-break-up fiction adult learning class is next month so I think I'm saving myself a lot of trouble.

A Man's Man

I always brush my teeth before I masturbate.

Because I respect myself, you know? If you don't respect yourself then no one will ever respect you.

Hurricane Jobe

So this blogging and stand-up comedy shit isn't helping me get famous in the slightest.





I'm thinking of becoming a hurricane. You get a lot more coverage from the media and more songs written about you by Bob Dylan.

Colour Coded

So I'm walking home kinda tipsy (Shut up, I know it's Tuesday) and I cross the road and this bike rider COMES OUT OF NOWHERE and nearly ploughs into me. Luckily he swerves out of the way and hits the cutter.

So the cunt is on the side of the road, writhing or something, and he's all "what are you doing you nutcase blah blah blah"

But I was like "dude, you came at me all black and white. It's night. Black and white won't cut it."

"I had a light!"

"Yeah, but it's a white light. If it was a colour I might notice it."

Sagely wisdom, I thought.

What Not To Say When Talking Dirty To A Hotbabe

"Yeah, your pussy is so much tighter than my last rape victims. Take my criminal cock."


They don't get it most of the time.

*shrugs*


While, we're on the topic, it was really shit when the following conversation happened with my last girlfriend when talking dirty:

"I am going to give you such a stern raping, you whore."
"But what if I consent? Then your plan is fucked and it's just rough sex and I might like rough sex."
"Then I'll just keep getting rougher and rougher until you say 'stop'. Then I'll rape the living daylights out of you."
"Well then I am pretty much going to get it pretty bad!"

She was such a forceful girlfriend. Why couldn't we just have normal vanilla sex? No, she had to try and rape me. Glad we broke up.

Well I say "broke up", but I'm not sure if that's the right term to use if your partner got filthy drunk and drove into a mountain. Most of the breaking up was done by her torso and her vehicle. Oh, zing, etc!

But yeah I'm still kind of in shock (it happened last Tuesday). Girls, email if you want me to give you a sex (no relationships right now, okay? This is like the third girlfriend of mine that has died so I'm a bit wary at the moment).

Renting Humour Post #2

I got a bit drunk today and made a mark with spraypaint on the places on the floor where it creaks if I step on it.

I'm fucked come next inspection, unless my landlord hates creaking too.

Renting Humour Post #1

I was at a pet store today and I got a splinter on a bench.

I hope my landlord doesn't find out!