Getting To Know Jobe

People that have lived with me say that I'm "intriguing".

Which is the same as saying "hey, you do a lot of stuff in your room..."

Oh man...

There is a MASSIVE bitch at the party next door.

She keeps yelling at people over really pointless shit.

Party sounds like fun (from through the window), but she's totally bringing the mood down.

BFF

For a normally sighted person, I think it's pretty stupid how Facebook sends you emails telling you who your hottest single friends are.

I have eyes, I know who my hottest single friends are.

But I think we should still keep that function because it's really good for blind people. Now they know who is hot and single, whereas before they only knew single.

The biggest loser in this thing is Rocky Dennis...

Howdy Partner

I'm not gay or anything, but I really would prefer to have a "partner" than a "wife/girlfriend/fiance".

"My partner and I went to the mountains for a frolic last weekend."
"Are you gay?"
"No."
"...well the mountains sound lovely."
"Mmm hmm."

This One Time, At Comedy

I told my only good a joke at my gig last night that is about group sex.

I was having a drink at the bar afterwards and I see this huge guy approaching. Now I’m no.... spring chicken... (of size...) but this guy had me a little worried.

He comes over and he says “mate, that group sex bit was a bit out of line.”

I try to deflect the situation “yeah not many people were into it.”

“No, I mean you’re doing it all wrong. There are too many guys in your scenario. You need more chicks mate."

I nod politely, but he’s only getting warmed up.

“And you don’t need to worry about asking people like you did. Just buy a round of drinks and slip in some pills mate. Too easy.”

I try to be as agreeable as possible so he gets bored and walks off. “Yeah, sexual assault! Awesome. I’ll try that some time mate. Cheers.”

Still not done.

“You heard of stillnox? The sleeping pill? You can slip that in there too. Works well.

“Sometimes me and my mates have contests with it.”

At this point I think ‘holy shit this guy and his mates have contests about how many women they can sexually assault. This is fucked up.’

No.

“Yeah we take the sleeping pill, start jacking off and see if you can finish.

“It’s pretty funny if your mate falls asleep with his dick in his hand.”

“Yes. I’d imagine it would be.”

“Oh, word of advice too. Sleeping pills and laxatives don’t mix.”

And then he walks off.

Obama?

Oh, bummer.


OMFG JOBE WENT DER! HEZ A HRO! LOL

Must Be Love

Ladies, you need to start specialising in things.

Saturday night I was out at a bar and I met this girl and we had a really awesome conversation that was deep and meaningful and intimate. We really opened up to each other and shared feelings and crap.

But anyway, I had to leave at some stage. I tell her I have to go and she's all "well keep going with the stand-up and the writing and the blogging and the world champion extreme fishing and everything." Which was nice.

But the stupid bitch didn't have any particular goals or anything. Her goals were just pointless things like "enjoy life and see where it takes me," so I looked really heartless for not being able to wish her well for her specific dreams.

So I said "keep your eyes on the prize," which she didn't seem to like much, even if it did have nice assonance.

On a related note, apparently faces CAN scream disappointment.

Attn: Maybelline

I don't know what you mean.

For a Man

"I ate too much and now I can't move."

The above excuse doesn't really work when you're being evicted from your house.