Confused Fish

I was out chilling on the water today and I saw a catfish jump out of the water.

I think it was a dumb catfish and was looking for its real father.

Silly catfish, your breed is just a name, you aren't half fish half cat. And even if you were, your cat father wouldn't be chilling in the boat with me.

I rarely take cats with me on the boat.

A Meaty Question

Pineapple can be used to tenderise meat. The acids in the juice break it down.

Does that mean that if I eat a lot of pineapples that my urethra will tenderise when I piss out the juice?

I hope so. I'd love a tender urethra.

Intense.

I saw an article in the paper the other day that went "Dead Lesbian Thought She Was a Man".

And I realised that I'd missed the point in which Andrew Denton had gone "fuck it, living people are too easy. I'm only going to interview dead people from now on to see if I can get some juicy revelations out of them."

Attn: Stalkers

I don't live in Marrickville anymore.

I was going to tell you my new place but it's much more fun if you find out for yourself and turn up in my room, naked from the waist down (easy access to your candy box, you see).

See you soon dear.

Good News

I managed to locate the exact point where my last relationship started going bad.

It was on our first date when she said "SMS me to let me know you got home okay" and smiled.

I don't believe in caring if the person gets home okay until at least the third date.

Really the beginning of the end.

Timing

Comedy is all about timing, apparently (I'm still yet to discover what comedy is about).

I think that means you need to know when to stop a joke.

Like the other day I was out with a friend and this hotbabe went into a shop with an ugly guy that was clinging on like a boyfriend-type.

We both concluded that she was in it for the money.

I made the call "women: first they fuck you, then they fuck your credit card."

It was timely and funny. SO we decided that the whole "first the fuck you, then they fuck your credit card" thing applies to other things.

"Just like kids. First they... wait... no... no..."

It doesn't.