On Coming

I'm going to get an upstairs kitchen so I can come down the stairs and saying "I'm coming down with something" and confuse people.

But the thing I am coming down with is duck, down the stairs, towards the plate.

Horror-scope

The horoscope section in the MX is called "should you get out of bed tomorrow?"

After reading a few sentences of my horoscope for tomorrow, I realised "this is too many words for what is essentially a yes or no answer."

O HAI!

This is my 3000th post on this blog.

Have you made 3000 posts on your blog? NO I DON'T THINK YOU HAVE!

Pretty sure that's enough posts. I might go outside now and get one of those "laid" things that people talk about.

Quick Post

This is just a quick post to let you know that quick posts have been made obsolete by Twitter.

I found this out after hiring a consultant to do a SWOT analysis.

To The Ranch

I was on the train today and an insane man got on and sat directly behind me.

While I didn't see any official documentation to certify my claims of insanity, the constant yelling of phrases such as "GO FUCK YOURSELF", "YOU CAN GO GET FUCKED", "YOU JUST NEVER SHUT UP" and "I SHOULD FUCKING KILL YOU" seemed to add weight to the argument.

Although, with all of this Joaquin Phoenix stuff, you never can be too sure if the guy was really insane or just acting insane for his Tropfest 2010 entry.

Th Voices

"I didn't really care for that last post of Jobe's."
"It wasn't his best, no."
"I'll say it wasn't!"
"Well at least it shows that the wheels are turning upstairs."
"What?"
"I mean, at least he's thinking in the right way."
"The right way? Wouldn't he be thinking in the wrong way if he's producing crap like that?"
"Well, no. I mean... yeah, I see your point. But I meant something different."
"How can you mean something different? We're talking about the same thing aren't we?"
"Yes and no."

Bad Pun

I live in a fairly rich suburb at the moment, which sucked until I became instantly rich the other day (i know, random huh?).

All of the really rich people here have chauffeurs for their cars. So I thought I'd get a chauffeur and a car to show them I am also rich.

So I got the car but accidentally spent all my money on it so I can't afford a chauffeur.

All that wealth and nothing to show for/chauffeur it.

:(

Y Me X(

I was selected as the voice of our generation today because of all of my blogging and comedy work.

So, yeah, I guess if you guys need me to say anything just drop it in the comments and I'll do it.

Not sure what other responsibilities there are to being the voice of a generation. Don't try and tell me what they are because I won't believe you.

It's the funeral he would have wanted...

"Having the snowman spoon him in the coffin while 'Take a Walk on the Wild Side' played was a nice touch."

Tragic Circumstances; A Film by Jobe

I can hear in one of the nearby flats that a guy keeps yelling at his son (named 'Elliot') to empty the dishwasher.

Despite repeated attempts, Elliot doesn't appear to be budging.

I kept thinking to myself "come on, Elliot. Empty the dishwasher and end this madness."

But then I thought that it's fairly probably that Elliot has been dead for a while and he died just before emptying the dishwasher. So his father, in a state of tremendous shock, keeps telling him to empty the dishwasher.

He thinks if he tries hard enough that Elliot will come back from the light and empty the dishwasher.

But it's not going to happen; he's never going to empty that dishwasher...

The Release

I released a new album today, it's pictures of my trip to Cairo last week.

It's a bit week for releases with Cathy Freeman's wedding album also coming out, but I hope to make the charts quite significantly.

Ouch

So I had a fall today. Or, as we say in Australia, an 'Autumn'.

Broke my hip. MySpace mood: Sad.

Hauntingly Bad

Pulling the graveyard shift at work is pretty bad.

But it's even worse if you work at a moving company.

Due, stop calling your cat.

Dude, stop calling your cat. It's not coming.
Dude, stop calling your cat. I'm pretty sure it's dead.
Dude, stop calling your cat. It hates you.
Dude, stop calling your cat. It's over here, sucking my dick!
Dude, stop calling your cat. You don't have a cat, you have a dog. You're insane.
Dude, stop calling your cat. It doesn't have a telephone.
Dude, stop calling your cat. Your wife took it when she left you four years ago.

Easter Trading Hours

Hi guys, just letting you know that the blog is going to be closed on Easter Friday and Easter Sunday next Easter (2010). Apologies for any inconvenience caused.

The Future of Internet

There are some celebrations that will be occurring here pretty soon, so I decided to give the blog a little spruce up, since I'm disgusted by its presence.

It isn't much of a change really. Not sure why I bothered. This blogging thing is clearly "not for me".

I Think This Explains Everything

I got Olivia to make me a graph today and I think she did a great job. Check it out:




It's the best graph I've seen in the past 8 days.

Good News

So I was knighted the other day.

Pretty great really!

I think I'm going to be one of the best knights that have come along for a while. My main strength will be jousting and eating.

I was going to put it on my Twitter but it comes to 141 characters and I also don't have Twitter.

Twins

You know, I can't help but think that Jesus and I are pretty alike.

1. We're both dudes.
2. We both woke up today.
3. We both like fish.

I might reach out to my long-lost brother and see how he's going. I sure hope that the answer is "sup Jobe. I'm good."

Toxic Snore

I was sleeping with a hotbabe last night and was woken up by a horribly noise. What sounded like snoring.

But I woke up and realised it wasn't her, Darth Vader was just in the room.

So that was a relief.