Shit Situation

I live in perpetual fear of my housemate coming home while I'm taking a shit.

See, my housemate is only home a couple of times a week. With my crazy hectic social life and locked-in-room-kinda-creepy blogging commitments, we only cross paths once every week or two.

So I think that if he does come home and I'm taking a shit, then the proportion of time that I'm shitting compared to the time that he sees me will increase.

I don't want it to get to the point that he thinks I have some sort of weird problem with my bowels that means I shit constantly. That'd be awful.

You know what they say...

Apparently they say that men with big feet have large penises.

Surely there comes a point where they stop saying that and they start saying "GOD DAMN THOSE FEET ARE HUGE, YOU FUCKING FREAK!"

Hairy Comment

I went to a stylist today to see if I could get some advice on what to wear and all of that.

When she asked me what I what this look is needed for is said "I need a haircut that screams young professional go-getter by day but has the versatility to scream hilarious comedian at night and is also hot so it gets me laid."

To that she said "well I can't work miracles, but the first two are achievable.

I thought that was a bit of a rude thing to say, since I was so obviously looking for validation from her. Is it so hard to say something like "awww girls don't ignore you because of your haircut, they ignore you because you don't talk to them. Why not approach one and say 'hi' if you want to get laid?"

In the news...

"A dead UK man, whose body was exhumed, is the likely sex killer of 22-year-old barmaid..."

WHAT THE FUCK IS A SEX KILLER AND HOW TO I BECOME ONE SO A CHICK WILL EXHUME ME?!?!?!

Readin' Time

The other day I was reading this magazine that was all about women having sex.

It was great.

Now I'm a subscriber to Promiscuous Woman's Day.

Misjudged

Man, I was so wrong about junkies.

The other night there was two of them in the city and one was so polite.

She was walking up the stairs behind her other junkie friend, stumbly, and says "I'm just going to have to stop and bend down and pick up something off the ground there."

I thought that was great, because the junkie girl in front wouldn't have walked off and looked stupid.

Woe Is Nanny

I was talking to a guy the other night and somehow we got on the topic of an emotional movie.

He started telling me how he cries in movies pretty easily, particularly kids movies.

I sympathised with him, telling him I once cried during an episode of The Nanny.

Then HE looked at ME weird.