Say Cheese

I just went to the shops with the intention of buying some clothes I needed and a couple of other practical items.

I came back with $66 worth of cheese. And nothing else.

Fat piece of shit.

When You're in New Joke

So I'm going to America next week for a while and I have a gig the first night that I'm there.

The normal comedic protocol/courtesy when in a new country is to make hilarious observations about that country and the people in it. It's the done "thing".

But I'm literally going from the airport, to my hotel and the straight to the gig, so I won't get the chance to make any hilarious observations.

I think I'm going to do my normal observations about Australian things, but disguise them as American things and pretend we don't have them in Australia.

Like "you guys have a laundry powder called Omo. What the fuck is that? Do you normally let dyslexic cows name your products?" and "where are the kangaroos? I came to America to see kangaroos and koalas. I thought they'd be in the street and shit? COME OUT KANGAROOS!"

And if the crowd is like "don't you have Omo in Australia?" I'll be all "what's Omo?" <--perfect comeback

So Dirty, So Old

Man, I think I'm starting to become a dirty old man. I can really feel it.

Now when I perve on young chicks on the train I have to squint to make them out.

And the other day I was having a wank and I felt a twinge in my back.

Didn't use to be like that...

WTOMH Live... in Melbourne

Attention all WTOMH fans in Melbourne (ed: Jobe, there are none).

For one night only, I'll be reading out blog posts under the guise of comedy in your lovely town (ed: Jobe, that doesn't sound very funny?)!

Where? Syn Bar
No, really, where is that? Cnr Russell and Bourke st
When is that? Tuesday, May 4, 8pm
How much, you thief? Well, I'm not a thief (ed: but what about that time you stole a block of Cadbury chocolate from the shops?), but it is free before 9pm. Considering it starts at 8pm sharp, that's kind of a non-issue.