Fork Off

I was hanging out with my son today, playing his favourite game, 'lift me into the air with a forklift'.

It was all good, til some guy came over and told me that I shouldn't do it that way.

How I raise my son is none of his fucking business!

You Shouldn't Have Said That, Jobe

"Well at least my pubic hair is the longest you've had! Ha ha."

Holey

Why do ear, nose and throat specialists just stop there?

Why not become mouth specialists too? You already have most of the holes of the head covered.

And how far into the mouth does it stop becoming a mouth problem and start becoming a throat problem.

Is there some sort of specialist doctor for that intermediary area?

On Parents

I like to say that my parents really fostered my imagination when I was growing up.

But, really, they just gave me so much Fosters that I started imagining ants crawling all over me.

Comeback of the Century

I came home from work today and the girl in the flat next door was having a "girls night" with her "girls".

Just as I was at my door, they came out of their door.

In the interests of smalltalk and neighbourly relations, I decided to comment on the nice smell of Chinese food in the air.

"Hi."

"Hi."

"Something smells good. What are you ladies having for dinner?"

At that point, one of them (obviously drunk) steps forward and shrieks "WE'RE EATING EAT OTHER'S PUSSIES! I BET YOU WISH YOU KNEW WHAT THAT TASTED LIKE EY NERD!"

And they all laughed. Because I am a nerd. A fat nerd. That's the worst kind of nerd! And that kind of nerd stereotypically doesn't know a lot about the vagines of attractive women.

By something came into my head:

"Damn. If your vaginas smell like Chinese food then something is seriously wrong. Get that shit checked out. Seriously."

FUCKING YES!

It was just like the Big Bang Theory!

One of them nearly threw up.

Golden Glober

Got overlooked for a Globe AGAIN.

Wondering why I bother with this fucken blog...

Biological Crock

Women apparently have a biological clock that starts ticking when time is running out for them to make a baby (lol is it an episode of Masterchef?).

It's kind of the opposite for guys.

We have a biological cock that stops ticking when time is running out for us to make babies.

Lamest Dream Ever

"Whoa. No. Wait. Come on, Mila Kunis. You know I have a girlfriend!"

Even in my dreams I'm a little bitch.

Garlic Lifesavers

Was cooking with garlic, but I didn't go overboard with it.

Because garlic wouldn't be a good flotational device.