Hail Mary, Full of Ice

Why is hail only ever golf ball sized or tennis ball sized?

Why can't hail be in the shape of other sporting equipment?

Like:
- Softball
- Baseball
- Squashball
- Swissball
- Binoculars (ed: spotting equipment)
- Rowing machine
- Medicine ball
- Protein shake
- Leopard (ed: spotted equipment?)
- Sports car ball

The Relationship - Thirsty Work

I should have seen it as a warning sign.

When I offered her a drink.

And she said, "vodka."

And I said I was all out of vodka.

And she said it was okay, because she'd brought her own.

I made a face that was somewhere between a confused puppy and a hungry owl and she took out a 3/4 full bottle of vodka from her handbag.

"Cool," I said, trying to sound nice.

Because you have to sound nice around girls. That's what they all want: a nice guy. Someone they can take home to the parents and who, when mum starts choking on a chicken wing that she tried to swallow whole because she's morbidly obese, you'll leap u and deliver a firm, yet breathtakingly delicate, heimlich maneouver.

And Damn Right, It's Lower Than Yours

My low self esteem brings all the boys to the yard.

Journey, to Another World

Some annoying people on the train just started singing Cee Lo Green's song, "Fuck You".

Which leads me to believe that they are telepathic and I am on a spaceship.

And, suddenly, in my last moment of non-probed innocence, I realise that I love everyone. And this blog has been a huge mistake.

All My Friends are Getting Carried

It fills me with envy and depression.

I wish I were getting carried, sometimes.

Maybe I just need to meet the right person (to initiate the carrying).

American Joke (American Jobe?)

(Hi, American readers!)

While I didn't go buckwild at the party, I did got eightyfourcent wild.

Quick Post

This is a quick post to let you know that, on a scale of 1 to 10, I rate this quick post a 2 out of 10.

The Relationship - So We're In Talks Now

We made the long, long walk to the station in near silence, until a bus growled past.

"Why don't you get the bus to the station?" she asked.

"I don't like buses," I answered. "They're unreliable and clostrophobic when you're inside."

She nodded her head slightly.

"Just like my last girlfriend," I added, somewhat foolishly.

But you have to be funny, don't you? Girls love that. The laughter. They want you to be hilarious. And I was.

"How about you?"

Sleep With The Fishes

Man, it would be hilarious if fish stopped swimming and floated when they slept.

It would cause anarchy! (People don't want to live in world where fish float when they sleep! I have straw-polled them)

Look.

All I want is a chick that has a good look at IMDB before going to see a movie.

Is that too much to ask?

Oh Jesus

Some say that God doesn't close a door without opening a window.

Which leads me to believe that God has OCD. And poor home security.

I Pity The Foal

The Relationship - Walked on the Wild, Sighed

There's a chick that catches the same train as me pretty regularly.

We must live near each other because we walk most of the way together, at roughly the same pace.

She probably doesn't realise how often this happens, but whatever.

Today I'm walking behind her and she notices or something and she crosses the road to the other side pretty soon after.

Thing is, I know where the fuck she lives.

What the fuck? Does she think I'm some sort of stalker?

I mean, I only know where she lives because I followed her home one day, but that's entirely besides the point.

Flowers in the Attic

I have a really noisy attic. When I bring hotbabes home they always wonder what it is.

To make myself more mysterious, I give them one guess per date. So if they want to find out what it is making the noise they have to keep coming back.

They always guess "possum" first.

But as soon as they find out that it's my kids they run away.

It's hard being a single parent :(

They don't see children up in the attic, they see baggage... handcuffed to the rafters...