So Wasted!

Just drank 11 of booze!

OMG!

SO WASTED!

Book Ends

So... I started dating Jennifer Aniston.

Why do I get the feeling that this isn't going to end well?

She seems nice and she's a celebrity and all that (like me) but... still... I can't shake this feeling of impending doom...

Our Rusty Trust

I've had a really bad week.

No one is trusting me at the lights. They all come up and press the fucken button again.

I'm standing here!

Obviously I already pressed the button!

Why would I not press the button?

Why you fucken press the button?

Saying Something

I just came in a bundance.*

It wasn't as good as I had been led to believe.



* Didn't know what a bundance is but it sounds like an alternate description for a manilla folder, so I did that.

Chaser

All of my adult life I've been running from my memories of being chased as a child.

Which hasn't been very productive.

Scared

Okay, I'm freaking out.

There is a family of dolphins living in the tub of Neapolitan ice cream in my freezer and I have no idea what to do.

I tried freezing them and it made NO DIFFERENCE!