Tiring Problem

Sleep has to be the most bullshit thing ever.

If you don't get your 8 hours you spend the rest of the day yawning and generally failing to operate effectively as a human being (symptoms include moaning "meeeeh I'm the sort of person that needs their 8 hours").

But too much sleep and you've somehow gotten too much of this precious sleep and you're somehow in even worse condition had you NOT got enough.

Hunger is the same, but at least I can fucking control hunger. I can't do that with sleep, I just have to drink my daily bottle of scotch, roll the dice and somehow I magically wake up in exactly 8 hours.

Sitting on the Fence

For approximately 300 years, basketball fans have been chanting "de-fence" when they would like their preferred team to protect the goal.

Surely it has lost it's effect by now. What basketballer, who has been playing and hearing this cheer their whole life, hears "de-fence" and suddenly feels like he should do some defence?

If there's one thing I understand...

it's women.

SHUT UP YOU DON'T NEED TO HAVE SEX WITH SOMETHING TO UNDERSTAND IT

Will Power

Broke my diet the other night with my bare hands.

By diet I mean prostitute's neck.

By bare hands I mean bare copper pipe.

Weighty Issue

Started dating a fat girl recently.

I don't think it's going to work out. Neither of us can find our penis.