What's This On My Hand?

Honey...

2012-02-07T20:20:00.001+11:00

"Champagne and a honeydew melon. That's all you need for a good time."
"What about girls?"
"Girls... Girls just eat half my fucken honeydew melon."

Tiring Problem

2012-01-28T15:39:00.002+11:00

Sleep has to be the most bullshit thing ever.

If you don't get your 8 hours you spend the rest of the day yawning and generally failing to operate effectively as a human being (symptoms include moaning "meeeeh I'm the sort of person that needs their 8 hours").

But too much sleep and you've somehow gotten too much of this precious sleep and you're somehow in even worse condition had you NOT got enough.

Hunger is the same, but at least I can fucking control hunger. I can't do that with sleep, I just have to drink my daily bottle of scotch, roll the dice and somehow I magically wake up in exactly 8 hours.

Sitting on the Fence

2012-01-28T15:37:00.002+11:00

For approximately 300 years, basketball fans have been chanting "de-fence" when they would like their preferred team to protect the goal.

Surely it has lost it's effect by now. What basketballer, who has been playing and hearing this cheer their whole life, hears "de-fence" and suddenly feels like he should do some defence?

If there's one thing I understand...

2012-01-28T15:36:00.001+11:00

it's women.

SHUT UP YOU DON'T NEED TO HAVE SEX WITH SOMETHING TO UNDERSTAND IT

Will Power

2012-01-28T15:33:00.001+11:00

Broke my diet the other night with my bare hands.

By diet I mean prostitute's neck.

By bare hands I mean bare copper pipe.

Weighty Issue

2012-01-28T15:31:00.002+11:00

Started dating a fat girl recently.

I don't think it's going to work out. Neither of us can find our penis.

On Children (Not Physically...)

2012-01-13T22:00:00.002+11:00

I really don't want to have kids right. There are so many reasons why I DON'T want to have a childs.

There is one reason why I want to have kids: to right the wrongs of how my parents raised me.

That's right, I want to have kids so I can impress them with my awesome taste in music.

My parents fucked that part up. I was a young, curious, warm-blooded child, discovering this "music thing" for the first time, scouring the house for whatever I could find. Soon after I was in my room, sitting in the dark, listening to an LP of Elton John's "Benny and the Jets" for hours on end.

No wonder I grew up to be so fucked. There is a set number of times you can listen to Benny and the Jets in the dark before you go mental (12).

If I have a kid I know I won't have to worry.

"Oh, shit, little... Jimmy (?)... has gotten into my 80's post-punk collection again! How... awesome!"

Doggone

2012-01-12T21:43:00.001+11:00

Fucking neighbours dog won't shut up.

I keep throwing rocks at it (and hitting it, mind you) but it keeps fucking whimpering.

I'm going insane.

AD Korner

2012-01-12T21:26:00.003+11:00

I'm starting a band.

I can't play music or sing but I can tell you if the music is good or not.*

Let me know if you want to join my band.

* Subjective.

2012-01-08T17:50:00.002+11:00

When someone goes on about how they only eat healthy, natural food I can't help but want to see just how superior their shit is to mine.

I imagine it's a perfectly formed log that comes out right on schedule, on demand, and they never have to wipe.

Bee Minus

2012-01-06T21:44:00.002+11:00

"Watch out, there are bees down there," she warned, warning me of bees.

"I wish she was hotter," I thought.

Cuntroach

2012-01-05T22:29:00.001+11:00

I was wandering around my house and I saw a cockroach walk into my room.

I followed this cockroach of unknown gender and could not find it. Yes, blogspot, it had disappeared!

I was happy to let this slide. As long as it didn't act like a cunt I wouldn't really care.

But I come back later and THE MOTHER FUCKER HAS WINGS AND IS FLYING AROUND.

Not part of the deal, fuckhead.

Race Bore

2012-01-01T16:00:00.001+11:00

I met civil rights hero Rosa Parks once.

She wouldn't let me fuck her in her brown section.

What a snob...

FAQ

2011-12-31T10:57:00.002+11:00

I was at my doctors and he gave me a lecture about the booze is killing me (as usual, lol) and he said "you don't need alcohol in your life."

Ridiculous. "Well... we'll just have to agree to disagree there, doc."

"You're insane!" blah blah blah liver blah

So I guess my question is: are GPs qualified to diagnose insanity?

An Explanation of Sorts

2011-12-27T19:44:00.003+11:00

You may have noticed that I've been away for a while. This was no accident.

I've been off pursuing my dream to be a culinary chef through a cooking show that will probably be airing soon.

I'm contractually obliged to not tell you if I won or not, but I can tell you this: I was eliminated in the first week (oooo cryptic) at the first challenge.

It's not like I cooked something horrible (I did not). It's not even because I didn't cook a single thing (I did). It's because the host hated me. Or probably "hates". I think he still harbours some ill-feelings towards me so I can't really use the past tense here (I did).

I'm not sure why he hated me, but he did. A lot of them did. All of the pretty girl contestants hated me too. I was fine with everyone else though.

All I know is that the show began, we were led to a door and told that our first challenge was on the other side of the door. The doors flew open to reveal a kitchen (which was quite fortunate, given that we were filming a cooking competition and I had not prepared to ride horses if it was some sort of horse riding challenge on the other side of the door).

We walked in and noticed benches with nametags on them. The names were ours, which was a bit predictable if you ask me. Everyone scrambled to find their bench, which everyone did. Except for me.

I hadn't been given a bench. I asked the host where my bench was and he yelled at me. I asked one of the pretty girl contestants if I could share her bench and she yelled at me and told me I had no chance with her.

So I ran. I ran back through the doors and I ran to a nearby cafe.

At the cafe I realised that I'd given up on my food dream far too easily. I ran back. Back through the doors. I asked all of the contestants if I could share their bench. Most rejected me. One guy didn't, so I shared his bench.

I quickly realised the error of my ways, as the bench came with ingredients and cooking equipment. I had a square foot of benchspace, but nothing to cook and nothing to cook with.

Time ran out.

One by one the contestants brought their dishes up to the judges. They were the usual sort of things you would expect, so I won't bother to mention them.

The only one that was out of the ordinary was from one of the male contestants. I forget his name, but he only had one name and it was some sort of tribal name. Everyone liked him. He had a rather unique way of cooking where he would put his dish inside the carcass of an animal and when it came time to serve, he would approach the table wearing a scary-looking tribal mask, present the animal carcass, slice its stomach and the "dish" would spew forth like entrails onto the diner's plate. For this challenge he made a scallop curry.

One time I saw through the mask and into his eyes. He had normal eyes, just like you or I would. I think he was smiling.

I didn't even get a chance to present a dish. The host yelled at me for serving up such a terrible dish and, after I corrected him that I hadn't actually served up anything, the host yelled at me to leave.

Fatherhood is Rewarding

2011-12-25T07:29:00.002+11:00

"Where are my presents, daddy?"
"Guess Santa forgot about you."
"How?"
"I don't know but you're going to have to leave the room because mummy and daddy want to watch their Wire DVDs that Santa gave them and you aren't allowed to watch."
"But..."
"Stop being so selfish. Santa probably didn't give you anything because you're a whiney bitch."

Retirement Hoo-oooome

2011-12-23T21:33:00.000+11:00

Beginning to face the fact that I dance like a transexual retiree.

Fearing Problem

2011-11-30T21:27:00.000+11:00

I have a fear of bodies of water.

And also a fear of bodies of women.

Tasteless

2011-10-22T21:38:00.001+11:00

An online newspaper linked to a story with the headline "Anne Geddes Pregnancy Stories".

I misread it as "Anne Frank's Pregnancy Stories".

The online newspaper should be as(m)hamed of themselves for shitting on Anne Frank's legacy like that!

Cheeping Las Vegas

2011-10-08T22:39:00.002+11:00

I want to remake Leaving Las Vegas but with chicken skin instead of alcohol and hookers.

But there will also be alcohol.

No need for hookers, I'll just grasp chicken skin loosely over my shaft and replicate the feeling.

Apollo... Geez!

2011-10-03T22:37:00.002+11:00

So sorry for the lack of postage lately.

I've been busy learning a new language so I can go to a foreign country and buy a stamp without having self confidence issues (ed: lol: pun, you'll never get over your... oh.... wait... postage... I get it...).

Or Fantastic

2011-10-02T22:36:00.001+11:00

Sign of a good time:

"And it was the most orphans I'd ever done in one night..."

Studious

2011-10-01T22:24:00.002+10:00

I think there's a link between how nice a chick is and how insane she is, in relation to how long it takes for the smile to fade from her face after the friend that she's talking to leaves.

I've done graphiti.

He Say Cliche

2011-10-01T20:18:00.001+10:00

I wonder what the girl that was so desperately afraid of being a cliche despite being one is up to right now. I bet it's going to end in sex!

Girl: No it won't/ I'm so offended!

Girl in 24 hours: It just happened, okay. That doesn't mean you're right!

Misrapen

2011-09-30T22:21:00.001+10:00

I was browsing through the MX on the train the other day and this chick sees what I'm looking at and shakes her head (no, not at MX's questionable journalistic quality).

I just HAPPENED to be on the glamour pages and there just HAPPENED to be some scantily clad femalians. Total accident. I was looking for the horoscopes!

But here's this bitch of a bitch looking at my like I'm a rapist for looking at pictures of scantily clad women.

But it's all bullshit.

Sure, I would rape the celebrity chicks if I had the chance. But I probably never will get the chance!

He(brew)llo

2011-09-30T16:18:00.002+10:00

A jewish guy on the street asked me if I was jewish.

I said no. But I should have said yes, in case he was going to tell me about their plan to kill all of the round-eyes.

I Saw The Sign

2011-09-29T22:20:00.000+10:00

So I finally figured out why mothers instantly fall in love with their babies:

- You're the best looking thing that has EVER come out of my cunt.
- My cunt is amazing.

10

2011-09-28T22:19:00.000+10:00

Met this amazing woman on the weekend.

Mature.

Beautiful.

Smart.

Funny.

Smells nicer than my cats.

Passionate.

Doesn't like compliments.

{OMG TRUTH SERUM}

2011-09-27T22:18:00.001+10:00

If I ever pissed my bed (or anything/one) for that matter) I wouldn't tell you, blog readers.

{OMG TRUTH SERUM}

Magic Tricks

2011-09-26T22:17:00.001+10:00

No, I won't tell you when I'm going to cum.

But...

I'll give you hints.

Electric Bats. Why you should fear them.

2011-08-26T21:36:00.001+10:00

"You look so much like a bat it's amazing."

Not a good way to reconnect with a Facebook friend you haven't interacted with in around 3 years.

It was cool in the 50s...

2011-08-24T19:28:00.002+10:00

Hipsters get a lot of hate, but I reckon they're awesome.

You're lying if you think it's a bad thing that you get to basically fuck someone impersonating your grandparents without any awkward family gathering situations (except some people hating that you're going out with a hipster).

Chance of Showers

2011-08-22T07:27:00.003+10:00

I haven't been posting lately because I've been busy with my new job of making up ads.

My main client at the moment is the Cancer Council and they've given me $15m to come up with a new approach to sun safety.

My agency has a reputation for being edgy, so what I've done is paint the sun as a rapist. In order for parents to be on board with the campaign, I will probably make it a child rapist, since parents dislike child rapists.

Replacing the "Slip, Slop, Slap" slogan was also important to reinvigorating the brand. The new anti-sun slogan is:

"Wear sunscreen and cover-up/ Because the sun will fuck you if you look like a slut"

In Development

2011-07-19T17:35:00.002+10:00

My new meteorological horror movie, "I Know What the Average Rainfall Was Last Summer (and every summer before that since recording began)"

Hope you guys check it out and enjoy it.

New Guidelines. Please RT

2011-07-18T17:29:00.002+10:00

I just got the new guidelines or what strangers are allowed to say to one another in public.

You'll be pleased to know that "got any change?" and it's variations are still in.

New removals this year are:
- Your fly is undone
- I think you dropped this
- Would you like any drinks with that?
- Please, take my seat, pregnant old handicapped person

Eye contact, which not totally banned, is not recommended.

You Wouldn't Believe It! (Even If You Pretended)

2011-07-17T17:28:00.001+10:00

I went out with this girl and one thing led to another... which led to another thing... which led to another thing... which led to another thing... Man, what a crazy night!

Babe 2: Pig in the City

2011-07-16T17:27:00.000+10:00

Someone at work had a baby recently and she was showing me the picture.

I tried to compliment her by saying that the baby looked immaculate.

Turns out that's something that single, creepy guys shouldn't say.

On Friday, Friday

2011-07-15T17:25:00.001+10:00

I love going out on the weekend and dressing like a woman: with no regard for the seasons.

Handy in the Bedroom

2011-07-14T17:24:00.001+10:00

You're such a bitch.

I could count the number of times I've wanted to fuck you on one, massively disfigured hand.

Because I like bitches.

Okay, Blood Stains

2011-07-13T17:23:00.001+10:00

It's just you and me now.

(Okay, blood stains)

In Development

2011-07-12T17:22:00.001+10:00

Coming soon, my new reality TV show: "Well One of Us Has to Kill Him..."

Hope you guys watch it.

Go Back Is Back!

2011-07-11T17:20:00.002+10:00

Following on from the success of "Go Back to Where You Came From", SBS have announced a second season: "Go Back to Where You Came From 2"

In this season, 6 racist aborigines are given the migrant journey in reverse. They're sent to England by boat and forced to steal bread.

Hosted by Nicky Webster.

It's Complicated

2011-07-10T17:19:00.001+10:00

Easiest solution to the debate around whether gay marriage should be legal:
- Yes, but gay divorce is still illegal.

Sanctity of marriage = protected
Gays = married

AND THEY SAID IT COULDN'T BE DONE

Physics

2011-06-15T22:43:00.001+10:00

When I get a dead leg I'm like "okay" but I'm also "let's keep it at that".

Feedback

2011-06-14T22:08:00.001+10:00

Hey sorry I haven't been blogging lately but I've been flat out inventing. I invented something.

Please submit names as I have thus far been unable to invent a name for my invention.

SO ANGRY

2011-05-23T20:39:00.002+10:00

Just saw this tv show called 'The King and I' about some chick that dates a king.

TOTAL rip-off of the book I wrote a while ago about that time I worked for a king and he started fucking some servent chick.

I called it 'The King and the Teacher Chick He's Fuckin' and NOW IT'S FUCKEN STOLEN!

Race-er Thin

2011-05-21T16:15:00.001+10:00

So I hate my girlfriend for her being white. I want a caramel girlfriend.

So last night while she slept I cut her skin off. I'm hoping that it grows back darker.

Whore-der

2011-05-18T20:57:00.001+10:00

Looking forward to this 'Female Hoarders' show.

I think it's going to be much better than the show about people that hoard garbage and trauma.

Nailed

2011-05-16T21:09:00.001+10:00

I never said what animal I wanted to fuck you like.

That was your fault for not asking.

Flaired Up

2011-05-12T22:08:00.002+10:00

So frustrated.

The only thing I have in this like is my flair for customer service and my clothes (ed: that's more than one thing).

But I can't find any retail places looking for someone with a flair in customer service that has clothes.

Why can't I just find a retail place that is looking for someone with a flair in customer service for clothes?

Moth...er Fucker!

2011-05-11T22:02:00.002+10:00

I went to a kid moths camphor ward today.

Talk about Hagar the Horrible!

This Post Bites (LOL)

2011-05-09T16:07:00.000+10:00

Tony Abbott Admits He Fathered Illegitimate Child With Female Shark

So Wasted!

2011-05-07T22:51:00.000+10:00

Just drank 11 of booze!

OMG!

SO WASTED!

Book Ends

2011-05-05T22:24:00.001+10:00

So... I started dating Jennifer Aniston.

Why do I get the feeling that this isn't going to end well?

She seems nice and she's a celebrity and all that (like me) but... still... I can't shake this feeling of impending doom...

Our Rusty Trust

2011-05-04T22:52:00.002+10:00

I've had a really bad week.

No one is trusting me at the lights. They all come up and press the fucken button again.

I'm standing here!

Obviously I already pressed the button!

Why would I not press the button?

Why you fucken press the button?

Saying Something

2011-05-03T17:38:00.001+10:00

I just came in a bundance.*

It wasn't as good as I had been led to believe.

* Didn't know what a bundance is but it sounds like an alternate description for a manilla folder, so I did that.

Chaser

2011-05-02T16:39:00.001+10:00

All of my adult life I've been running from my memories of being chased as a child.

Which hasn't been very productive.

Scared

2011-05-01T16:47:00.001+10:00

Okay, I'm freaking out.

There is a family of dolphins living in the tub of Neapolitan ice cream in my freezer and I have no idea what to do.

I tried freezing them and it made NO DIFFERENCE!

A Quick Thankyou

2011-04-30T16:46:00.000+10:00

Just wanted to say thankyou for all of the kind birthday witches. I never knew witches could be so nice! And such a thoughtful present!

AVO Go at That!

2011-04-29T16:43:00.001+10:00

I spoke to my agent today, to make sure he knew I was still alive (he always fears that I'm going to die).

I asked him if he had any work for me and he said no (our little running joke).

I asked him what I could do to get some work.

He told me that there's been a lot of demand for celebrities that have had AVOs taken out on them. So he suggested I get one of those.

So if anyone wants me to threaten them constantly, please leave your number in the comments thread.

A Case of Inappropriate Beverage Selection (IBS)

2011-04-28T16:41:00.002+10:00

I was having lunch in a food court today and I saw a guy having lunch alone (ed: are you sure it wasn't your reflection, Jobe?).

He seemed really sad and depressed (ed: Okay, definitely you).

But in front of him sat a bottle of Lift.

Obviously he hadn't taken the suggestion on the label.

Royal Problem

2011-04-27T20:11:00.002+10:00

I just got an invite to the royal wedding.

Problem is, I've never met William or Kate. Kate and I emailed a couple of times a few years ago because she was a fan of the blog. But that was before she met Will and we didn't even exchange naked pics of email addresses (the latter because we already had them).

I don't really want to go since I have a few emails to send at work.

But if hotbabes are going to be there then I may have to change my mind.

Dilemma.

You Shouldn't Have Said That Jobe...

2011-04-27T16:37:00.000+10:00

So I was chilling backstage at a big comedy show the other day, and a hotfanbabe came up to me and was flirting with me and all that sort of shit.

Things were going well until at one point she sighed and said "I bet you have a lot of girlfriends..." (as I am of "The Fame")

But I got a strange reaction when I tried to fend off the comment and tell her that I hate people and find the idea of relationships backwards and sickening.

"Nah, I don't really do... people..."

It didn't help that at that moment a seagull flew into the bar. I think she was expecting it to come over and tell her that it was my ex. But I had never seen that seagull before.

Tricky Situation

2011-04-26T16:35:00.000+10:00

Sometimes I stare at myself in the mirror and wonder if I turned out this way because I wasn't asked enough trick questions as a child.

Things would have been so different...

WTOMH TV - Episode 1

2011-04-26T12:13:00.001+10:00

RIP Jobe

2011-04-25T16:34:00.002+10:00

I went to a fortune psychic today and she told me how I'm going to die.

She said that I'm going to be killed by a drunk driver. Apparently he's going to stab me.

The party was going well until...

2011-04-24T16:33:00.001+10:00

I got an awkward reaction to the question, "just how many of you are trannies?"

Foreplay

2011-04-23T16:32:00.001+10:00

If a couple ever asked me to join them for a threesome, I'd change my Facebook status to "In a Relationship".

Curtising

2011-04-16T14:03:00.001+10:00

So this hotbabe I've seen a few times stayed over last night for the first time.

In the morning I was like "yo, dogg, I gotta go pick up some dry cleaning around the corner. You keep sleeping, I'll be back in a couple of minutes."

So I went out and came back, but it was all an elaborate ruse to get her flowers.

She was like "omg homie, I thought you said you were getting dry cleaning?"

"This is the first of many lies I intend to tell you during our relationship."

Girls dig me.

Book...ish

2011-04-15T22:11:00.000+10:00

Thinking of writing a self help book.

It's for hardcore party hotbabes that wonder why the guys they randomly fuck don't even call them again.

It's called "He's Just Not That Into Heroin".

Little Athletics

2011-04-14T21:57:00.000+10:00

It's the inconsiderate Olympics.

One person keeps someone up late.

Another wakes someone up early.

Who wins?

Who takes gold?

It's up to you. You're the judge FYI.

Angling for Compliments

2011-04-13T21:45:00.002+10:00

There's an old saying in my house:

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.

But teach a man to fish and he'll go away and won't dirty any of your cutlery.

NB. I live alone.

Dilemma ft. Kelly Rowland

2011-04-12T21:41:00.000+10:00

My hotbabe has been crying all the time lately.

It's like... learn a new emotion you one dimensional whore.

(Just needed to get that out of my system)

CLASSIFIED

2011-04-11T21:39:00.000+10:00

Firewood.

Free to a good home (because I don't want me excess wood going to a poor home so they can inject it probably as drugs).

Revenge

2011-04-10T21:33:00.000+10:00

On the way home today, I saw a girl looking a bit lost and helpless.

As i walk past she gets my attention and with a bit of an accent asks where a certain street is. I've never heard the street name before so I couldn't help.

I walk off, but I walk off feeling guilty that i didn't do more.

Why?

Why the fuck should i feel guilty that she didn't find out where she actually intended to go?

Should i feel guilty that she's a helpless girl, probably from overseas, that is potentially totally lost?

Why should i feel bad? Have any foreign girls ever helped me when i was overseas? Nope!

Did any foreign girls feel bad when one of the hottest girls at school agreed to go to the year 12 formal with me only for me to turn up and find that she actually went with some footballer and it was all just a joke?

No. The foreign exchange students at school got a big fucking laugh out of that.

2011-04-09T21:26:00.001+10:00

More than once have I tried to pick up a girl by bragging that I've had a blog "for over five years!"

{{OMG TRUTH SERUM}}

Last Night

2011-04-03T10:22:00.002+10:00

This hotbabe was sucking on my antler.

I was like "it's about to rain, dear."

She thought it was a bad joke too. But I was so "in the moment".

Trading Places

2011-03-31T21:54:00.002+11:00

I moved into a new house with my hotbabe companion and it turns out there's a possum in the roof.

My hotbabe companion said "looks like we have a house guest."

As I listened to the incessant scratching die down, I realised why a possum house guest is better than a human house guest. A possum fits in the freezer.

It's Nutty

2011-03-31T21:48:00.002+11:00

I'm getting so sick of society pandering to people with nut allergies.

The other day I went into a building. On the door to that building was a large sign saying "no nuts allowed inside building due to allergies".

Fuck off.

People should be allergic to real things. Like ghosts. Or knife wounds. Fuck off with your nut allergies. They're "nut"ing HAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA

FAQ

2011-03-27T22:22:00.001+11:00

Q: Jobe, do you have any home remedies for getting rid of thrush that are NOT yoghurt because I have ALREADY TRIED yoghurt and do not wish to try it again.

A: Maybe stop being a slut?

Quick Post

2011-03-26T22:23:00.000+11:00

This is a quick post to let you know that, thanks to advances in technology, this is the quickest quick post ever on this blog!

Election Coverage

2011-03-26T10:18:00.000+11:00

I would be more interested in watching the election coverage if there was a section called 'Election Coverage' where they made a red carpet (out of carpet) and interviewed politicians as they arrived and asked then how they were dressed.

Jobe's Guide to the NSW State Election

2011-03-25T21:48:00.000+11:00

"Jobe, I didn't even know there was a NSW state election this weekend!"

Whoa! Give me a chance to speak before you assault me with you accusations.

"I haven't heard of it because I am not from NSW and therefore DON'T CARE so please go back to A RAPE JOKE IMMEDIATELY."

It's funny that you mention rape (it's not really, rape is never funny--unlike apes, which can find themselves in hilarious situations ("Ah, help, the boss is coming over for dinner and I don't have a tablecloth!!!!!!")) because this state election is mostly about rape.

The rape of this state election is being forced upon 4 main parties:
1. The Labor party. After years of power (2?) they are about to be bound, gagged and forced out of power in the most demeaning way possible (democratically).
2. The human race. For having to endure this mind-numbing, content-less campaign.
3. Rapists. The general vibe of this election is that crime is the only issue being tackled (therefore it is all that is important). You can expect rapists to lose out in this deal.
4. I've lost interest. I just pulled the 4 main parties thing out of the air, before thinking about who actually was impacted.

Jobe, Shut the Fuck Up and Tell Me Whom Tom Vote Form

A rude person like you should probably vote for NO ONE. Because I feel physically ill at the thought of a rude person deciding ANYTHING in my life. Please DIE. See, I said "please". Is it that hard?

Thanks for watching!

Vote for President Octopus this weekend! (hint: you have to draw president octopus so they know who you mean)

This Joke Should Be Re-Tooled

2011-03-25T18:58:00.000+11:00

I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed.

I used to be, but then someone went out and got a diamond saw.

And I can't compete with that.

Weird

2011-03-24T19:02:00.000+11:00

I need some eletronics urgently.

I haven't purchased any electronics since the late 80s.

Where's the nearest Brashs?

Clothing Down for Beginners

2011-03-24T17:31:00.001+11:00

So I'm a bit emotional because I just broke up with a hotbabe that I'd been seeing for a couple of days.

It started off really well because she was hot and was very quirky--ie she wore op shop clothes that were horrible (horrible = cool!).

But then things got bad :(

See, the op shop clothes she wore always had stains on them.

And when I spoke to her about it, she told me not to worry because she hadn't made the stains.

Which wasn't exactly reassuring.

Double Allergic

2011-03-23T17:25:00.001+11:00

Today I had a scratch test.

It's a test they do where they scratch a piece of your skin to see if you're allergic to something. If you are allergic, you'll get a reaction.

I found out I'm allergic to being scratched.

What a Dick

2011-03-23T17:22:00.002+11:00

I was on a plane today and it was about to crash.

This was off particular significance because I was seated in an exit row.

I turned to the guy next to me and said "well, I guess it's our time to shine," referring to us having agreed to be willing to assist in an emergency in return for exit row seating.

"I didn't agree to shit," he said, inserting his finger into the woman sitting in front of him in the hopes of getting some last minute action before dying.

So, I say "what a dick!" to the guy at the checkout who obviously didn't bother informing this guy that he would have to assist in case of an emergency.

Diminishing Returns

2011-03-22T17:18:00.000+11:00

I find everything about sex to be quite awkward.

However I've found that it gets MORE awkward as more people are added to the sex.

1 person: Okay, fine, I'm masturbating here. Not as much awkward as it is lonely and depressing.

2 people: How did my cat get in here? Oh well, guess I'll continue masturbating, even though it feels pretty weird to do it while that cat is in the same room.

3 people: Oh, the cat got in because the door is open. And now my mum is standing at said door with a shocked expression on her face.

4 people: Oh, my mum is there because she was coming to get me because my case worker is here.

........................Reaction

2011-03-22T15:13:00.003+11:00

What happened to the satellite delay in TV interviews?

Man, I really missed those. They gave me such a great chance to catch up with the conversation, or imagine that I had just told the interviewee something shocking and I was nervously waiting to see if they would kick me out of the house.

It's Time

2011-03-21T15:07:00.000+11:00

You all called me crazy for making us have weekly drills to practise what we should do if Jeff Goldblum were to overdose in my den.

Well it's happening so who's the crazy one now?

PS You know what to do.

Hot Work

2011-03-21T15:06:00.000+11:00

When I tell people that I want to open a sweatshop, they look confused when I say that it has nothing to do with clothing.

Jobe: MythBuster!

2011-03-20T22:26:00.001+11:00

They say a watched pot never boils.

Well I just watched a pot of water for a few minutes and it boiled.

BUSTED

Jobe: MythBuster!

2011-03-20T22:25:00.000+11:00

They say watched pot never boils.

Well I just watched mine and it didn't boil.

CONFIRMED

Must Sea TV

2011-03-20T22:18:00.000+11:00

Hey guys just a quick one to let you know that I'm staring in a new TV show that's on TV next week called "Sew You Think You Can Dance?"

Premise; I host (all you need to know to watch)

Plot; We search the country for people that think they're going to be the best at sewing the phrase "You Think You Can Dance" on various things and we also search for some people that think they're going to be good at that but really won't be but will be really funny on the TV! LOL already at the thought.

Channel 53, 7.30PM on Sunday night (I'll be the one in the hosts uniform).

Hail Mary, Full of Ice

2011-03-19T22:31:00.001+11:00

Why is hail only ever golf ball sized or tennis ball sized?

Why can't hail be in the shape of other sporting equipment?

Like:
- Softball
- Baseball
- Squashball
- Swissball
~~- Binoculars (ed: spotting equipment)~~
- Rowing machine
- Medicine ball
- Protein shake
~~- Leopard (ed: spotted equipment?)~~
- Sports car ball

The Relationship - Thirsty Work

2011-03-19T22:11:00.001+11:00

I should have seen it as a warning sign.

When I offered her a drink.

And she said, "vodka."

And I said I was all out of vodka.

And she said it was okay, because she'd brought her own.

I made a face that was somewhere between a confused puppy and a hungry owl and she took out a 3/4 full bottle of vodka from her handbag.

"Cool," I said, trying to sound nice.

Because you have to sound nice around girls. That's what they all want: a nice guy. Someone they can take home to the parents and who, when mum starts choking on a chicken wing that she tried to swallow whole because she's morbidly obese, you'll leap u and deliver a firm, yet breathtakingly delicate, heimlich maneouver.

And Damn Right, It's Lower Than Yours

2011-03-18T22:29:00.000+11:00

My low self esteem brings all the boys to the yard.

Journey, to Another World

2011-03-18T22:21:00.002+11:00

Some annoying people on the train just started singing Cee Lo Green's song, "Fuck You".

Which leads me to believe that they are telepathic and I am on a spaceship.

And, suddenly, in my last moment of non-probed innocence, I realise that I love everyone. And this blog has been a huge mistake.

All My Friends are Getting Carried

2011-03-17T22:25:00.001+11:00

It fills me with envy and depression.

I wish I were getting carried, sometimes.

Maybe I just need to meet the right person (to initiate the carrying).